


Cough Syrup

by livinlavidalokid



Category: The Hobbit (2012)
Genre: Brotherly feels, Drug Use, Durin Family Feels, Gen, Modern AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-11
Updated: 2013-04-14
Packaged: 2017-12-08 05:23:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/757548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livinlavidalokid/pseuds/livinlavidalokid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern All-Human AU: Every five years Balin calls his enormous family to his lake house for a week of vacation, and Fili and Kili always look forward to it - but as soon as he picks him up from the train station Fili knows something is seriously wrong with Kili. Rated for language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Part 1 of 4

-

Life's too short to even care at all oh  
I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control  
These fishes in the sea they're staring at me oh oh oh oh oh oh  
A wet world aches for a beat of a drum, oh

If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away  
To some fortune that I should have found by now  
I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down

And so I run to the things they said could restore me  
Restore life the way it should be  
I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down

-

Kili stood in the train's tiny bathroom, his hands braced against the small sink. He stared into his own eyes, and thought that he could never get over just how tiny his pupils got when he was high. His brown irises were enormous, and he thought he could see into his own soul. He slowly blinked and every time he opened his eyes he was fascinated all over again. He smiled sluggishly.

A thought swam up through his cloudy mind, and he pulled out his phone to check the time. He thought the train would arrive in Dale at four, but he couldn't quite remember. Either way it was only two o'clock now so he had time. He closed his eyes again. A tiny part of him was yelling that he needed to come down and clean his face up before he saw Fili, because his brother was sure to notice – but the majority of him was flying high and couldn't care less what Fili and the rest of their family thought.

He opened his eyes.

He frowned slightly.

He did care what his family thought. He cared more than anything. That's why he did this hit, so he could make it through the week without it. His frown deepened as he stared at his pinpoint pupils – he didn't want to hurt his family.

But he didn't want to stop either. He had control over his using, and he wasn't about to lose control. He'd been on drugs for as long as he could remember, he knew how to control it, and he knew what he could and couldn't take. Plus heroin controlled his ADHD better than Ritalin or Adderall ever did.

He turned, grabbed his backpack and swung it onto his shoulder to trudge back to his window seat. He wrapped his arms around his backpack, put his head back and closed his eyes.

He didn't sleep. For a while he just floated on a cloud of high, his brain moving sluggishly, day dreaming in slow motion. He could just barely feel a smile on his face.

He must have fallen asleep as he came down, because he awoke as the train started to slow. He opened his eyes, blinked several times and rubbed them. He hoped he just looked tired. He usually did.

Now that the high was gone he felt a dull excitement growing, and it quietly mixed with unease. He knew Fili would notice something was off with him, but he desperately hoped he could pass it off as just being stressed at school. He hadn't seen Fili since he left the previous summer, and he was extremely excited to be reunited with his favorite and only brother. He had been terrified to leave home and family. And that terror hadn't really abated – he just numbed it down.

Eventually the train completely stopped, and out the window he could see his brother's blond dreadlocks out of the small crowd of people waiting for family members. He smiled the first genuine smile he'd had sober in a while.

-

Fili turned the page slowly, not really paying attention to the book. It was something his cousin Bofur had given him the last time they had seen each other, and he thought that with the family reunion coming up he should probably read it before he gave it back. But he was too excited. Today he would be reunited with his baby brother for the first time in almost a year.

Fili was four years older than Kili, and both had graduations that last summer – Kili from high school, and Fili from college. Their mother, Dis, had been so proud of both of them. For a while it had seemed that Kili would not graduate on time, his ADHD getting in the way of his studying and medication only went so far.

Fili had had a fairly easy time, both in high school and college and he graduated with honors and a degree in sports medicine with the plan to go to medical school after his year-long internship. Kili was still undeclared, but Fili had no doubt that he would figure out what he wanted to do eventually. He was still in his freshman year at Mirkwood University. Fili smiled when he thought back on his own years at MU, but jumped slightly as the train's whistle brought him back to the present.

Fili closed the book and put it on the bench next to him. He had driven down from upstate where he was interning with Rivendell Sports Club. He had gotten the job almost immediately after graduation – gods be praised – and so far it had been fantastic for him.

He picked up his bag and his phone, sending Kili a short text letting him know where he is when he gets off the train. He frowned slightly when after five minutes he didn't get a response – Kili is usually extremely good at replying to texts, especially Fili's. But a few minutes later he spotted his younger brother's long brown hair, styled in the same way as usual: half of it tied in the back. He wore his worn denim jacket that he'd had since Fili grew out of it and gave it to him, and his Rivendell Elks shirt that Fili had gotten him when he got his job. He had a little more stubble than he had the last time Fili had seen him, but he looked as energetic as he always did. He'd been on Ritalin for almost as long as Fili could remember – it being the only thing that could really control his ADHD and get him to concentrate on anything longer than a few minutes. They had even been homeschooled through elementary school; Kili because he wouldn't do well in regular school and Fili because it was easy, until middle school when Fili had begged to be able to go to a regular school.

"Hey little brother!" Fili called when his brother was closer. Kili's answering smile wiped away any doubts that he was feeling and he practically fell into Fili's arms.

"Hey, Fili." He wrapped his arms around Fili's waist and held him close. "I missed you so much," he mumbled into his brother's neck. After a minute Fili pulled back and put his hands on his brother's – thinner than he remembered – shoulders and smiled.

"I missed you too Kili. You look. . . older!" He only hesitated a fraction of a second, but he couldn't in good conscience tell his brother that he looked good – there were dark circles under his eyes, and he was much thinner than looked healthy. He forced a smile on his face, and clapped Kili's shoulder. "Let's go." He picked up Kili's duffel bag and together they walked back to Fili's car.

"How was the train ride?" he asked, putting Kili's duffel in the back seat next to his own. Kili pulled the passenger side door open and slipped in. When Fili sat down in the driver's seat Kili looked over and started an animated recount of his five-hour train ride from Mirkwood.

"I swear, I thought that woman was going to give birth right on the train. Then I went to sleep," he concluded, taking a deep breath.

"Sounds like an eventful ride!" Fili laughed as he glanced over at Kili, who was staring out the window. Kili looked over and nodded matter-of-factly. He looked tired.

"Is everyone already at the lake house?" Kili asked looking back out the window. Every five years Balin, the effective patriarch (in the way that he was the oldest of their relatives) of their ever-growing family called a family reunion. For as long as Fili could remember they had gone for one week to Balin's lake house with the entirety of their family to meet and simply relax. Usually it was during the summer, but this year he had decided that have it during Kili's spring break because they could all tell that the boy was struggling. The soccer team had been traveling for most of Christmas break, so Fili had missed Kili's visit home, but their mother had told him that Kili had just been all around quieter than usual – and when Kili wasn't talking everyone knew that something was wrong.

Fili glanced over once again out of the corner of his eye, and Kili looked physically well to him – he was still bouncing his knee up and down as he had done for as long as he could remember. That little show of energy was almost always how Fili gauged if Kili was alright or not, if he was twitching as much as he usually did.

"I don't know. I haven't been there yet, I drove up from Rivendell this morning and came straight here."

"How's that job going?"

"It's going great! The team is pretty rowdy all the time, so Éowyn and I are always busy. There's one player – one of the owner's sons actually – Legolas that is always hurting himself. Poor Éowyn has her hands full with that one."

"Do you think they'll hire you full time? Do you even want to keep working with them?"

Fili thought about it for a few moments – but he nodded. "I really like working with them. Elrond and Thranduil are good people to work for, and Éowyn loves me," he glanced over at Kili who had a smile on his face as he rolled his eyes.

"Ever humble, brother."

"Of course. But after medical school I think I will want to move onto bigger things, maybe travel some more. But this is a good experience for now. How's school? Tell me all about it!" He and Kili had skyped a few times, and they texted all the time but mostly it was just Fili telling Kili about his work. When Kili wasn't forthcoming with his answer Fili looked over and saw him still staring out the window. "Kili?" he prompted, and he jumped slightly, looking over at Fili.

"What?"

"Did you hear anything I just said?" he asked, his voice mock serious. He sobered up when Kili's eyes widened as if he had thought Fili was seriously angry with him. "I just asked how school is," he said, smiling and out of the corner of his eye he saw Kili visibly relax. "I loved being there, the campus is amazing, isn't it?" Mirkwood University was situated in the middle of an immense forest with a huge river running right through it.

"It is gorgeous," Kili said. He didn't sound very enthusiastic about it, but Fili hadn't really been happy at MU until his second year, when he had really made friends and settled in.

"Made any friends?" he asked, hesitantly. He hoped that his brother would finally be able to open up and make friends that weren't their family. It had always been harder for Kili because he's a lot to handle.

"I hope Bombur makes that BBQ pork thing that he made last time, that was so good!" Kili said.

Fili didn't miss the fact that Kili avoided his question, but he didn't push it. They drove the next twenty minutes in silence before Kili asked more about the team and Fili talked for the rest of the hour and a half drive from the train station in Dale, through Erebor and to Balin's lake house just outside of town and around the enormous lake that sat outside the town.

He told him all about the co-captains, Legolas and Aragorn, and their jealous teammate Boromir who thought he could do a better job at captain. At times Fili thought it was a bit nepotistic, because Elrond is Aragorn's father-in-law and Thranduil is Legolas' father. But at the same time, those two were the best players on the team. As a whole they were a modest success, they had an average of more wins than losses, and they won the state competition a few times in the past, and they even made it to nationals once.

Fili was becoming quite good friends with two of the players in their free time. Both Merry and Pippin reminded him of Kili, full of energy and always joking.

"So you're already replacing me, eh?" Kili said, raising one eyebrow. Fili could tell that he was trying to sound joking, but there was an undercurrent of bitterness in his tone.

Fili smiled, and reached out to clap his brother on his - extremely bony - shoulder.

"Don't worry little brother, no one could replace you."

"I don't know whether that's a compliment or an insult." Fili just laughed.

The last twenty minutes of their trip passed with Kili finally turning on the radio and singing along to every song. Musicality ran in their family, but Kili was not one of the better singers of the group. Nevertheless Fili enjoyed hearing his brother's slightly off-pitch singing, and sang along when he knew the words.

"Is Bofur still singing at that pub?" Kili asked suddenly. Their cousin had gotten many gigs over the years singing at The Forge, arguably Erebor's best pub.

"Yeah, I think so. A big wig from somewhere heard him and wanted him to do a CD, so now that's out. It's just his usual folky type songs, but it's fairly popular! Though I'm sure half the profit is just Bifur and Bombur buying them all so that the stores would run out and Bofur wouldn't be disappointed if they didn't sell."

"Seems counter-intuitive."

"Well, it is Bifur and Bombur. They should just stick to food." Bofur's brother and cousin owned a restaurant/bakery that was a huge success in Erebor. They weren't so good with the books, but that is where Ori, the youngest of their cousins, came in. Only a few years out of Erebor College with his business degree still hot off the presses he was a huge help to his cousins.

Ori's brothers, Dori and Nori also worked at the restaurant, Dori managed the floor and the rest of the underlings and Nori helped cook in the back. All of them were worried about leaving it in the hands of their managers for a week while they were on vacation with the rest of the family - but no one missed their reunion.

Finally they saw the lake house, and both smiled. "Looks just as it did last time," Kili said, a touch of nostalgia in his voice.

"It's only been five years!"

"Yes but a lot can happen in five years! A lot can happen in a few months..." he added under his breath. Fili frowned but chose not to comment on it.

"Well, whatever they cook I'm going to stuff it down your throat. You're skin and bones."

"Dorm food sucks..." he mumbled.

"Any food sucks compared to Bifur and Bombur's cooking." They laughed.

Fili slowed as he pulled into the long driveway, and after a few minutes they stopped. Fili parked and turned the car off, hopping out with a smile on his face. He saw their family quite often, but rarely ever were they all together in one place outside these reunions. He got his duffel bag out of the back seat and tossed Kili his.

He looked at Kili, grinning and Kili looked right back. Then they both yelled at the top of their lungs. The front door slammed open and Bofur ran out, alarm on his face.

"Hey!" Fili and Kili yelled together. Bofur smiled and shook his head.

"The lads are here!" he yelled back inside, and stepped forward. "How are you! Come here!"

"Hey Bofur," Kili said getting to their cousin first and giving him a hug.

"What the hell?" he said, pulling back. "Boy you'd better get your bum inside and go eat. You're nothing but a bag of bones!" Kili shook his head and pulled back to head inside, muttering again about nasty dorm food.

"Hello, Bofur," Fili said fondly as he embraced his cousin. "How have you been?"

"Absolutely great! How about you?" Bofur clapped him on the back and pulled back, his arm still around Fili's shoulders.

"I'm awesome – life has been good." Together they walked inside chatting amicably about the upcoming week.

Fili broke apart from Bofur in the foyer and went upstairs to put his stuff in the room that he usually shared with Kili. It was the dusty old attic room that none of them wanted, but Fili and Kili didn't mind. The house was enormous - more than big enough to fit Balin's sprawling family of more than 13 people. When he got up the sturdy wooden steps leading to the attic he saw Kili sitting on one of the two twin beds with his head in his hands.

"Kili, you alright?" Fili asked, trying not to sound too alarmed and scare him. Kili was notorious in their family for always brushing off his hurts. Once when he was ten he broke his arm and no one knew until the next day when it had swollen about twice the size as normal. He just hadn't said anything about it.

Kili jerked his head up, eyes wide. He ran a hand through his hair, effectively messing up his half ponytail. "I'm fine," he said, jerking the tie out and pulling all of his hair back into an extremely messy ponytail. Fili finished going up the steps and putting his bag on the other bed. He could hear Kili grumbling about his hair, and he laughed.

"Why don't you just cut it off if it's too much trouble? Or you could just dread it like I did. I could help you!" Fili said, smiling encouragingly. Kili laughed.

"I'm pretty sure that mum can only handle one person with dreadlocks in this family. She already flipped when you came home for Christmas your freshman year and had started them."

"She grew to love them."

"Tolerate them."

Fili shook his head and pulled his jacket off. "Whatever you say, Kili. Come on let's go downstairs and say hello to everyone else." Kili took off his own jacket, fixed his hair again and stood to follow his brother downstairs.

When they got downstairs Fili burst through the swinging wooden doors into the kitchen, Kili following close behind. "Hey, family!" Fili called, heading straight to the large island in the middle of the kitchen. It looked like they were the last to arrive; Balin's sizeable kitchen, dining room, and family room were full of people. Bombur, Oin, Dori, and Balin were in the kitchen; Gloin, Bofur, Bifur, and Nori were sat at the kitchen table playing cards; Ori was at the couch in the living room holding Gloin's son, Gimli, who was only eight months old. He looked out the floor-to-ceiling windows that displayed the sprawling backyard that was covered in huge evergreens that showed just a peek of the lake beyond. He saw Thorin and Dwalin at the grill; Dwalin was wielding a pair of the biggest tongs that Fili had ever seen (currently flipping over one of the biggest hunks of meat that Fili had ever seen), and Thorin had a beer in his hands. Fili smiled, he hadn't seen his mother's brother in quite some time and had missed him a lot. Thorin was there throughout their childhood, acting as a father figure since their father died at war when they were very young. Sometimes Fili was sad that he didn't remember their father (and if he didn't then Kili certainly didn't), but other times he was sure that his father would have been happy with the way that Thorin stepped in to become their pseudo-father.

"Hello Fili, my boy!" Balin called, putting down his stein and going over to give Fili a hug. "How have you been?"

"I've been great! Glad to see everyone made it this year!"

"All except your mum, she won't be able to make it until Wednesday at the latest. Maybe Tuesday, she said. "

"Why's that?" Fili frowned – above all he was most excited to see his mother for the first time in almost a year.

"She was held up at work – the business is growing by the day and Dis and Thorin haven't been able to hire any more employees yet so she's stuck for now."

"That's unfortunate." Balin nodded solemnly with him and clapped him on the back.

"What on earth is that rascal of a brother of yours doing?" Balin said suddenly, and Fili turned to look towards the couch where Kili was bent double over the couch.

"He's making faces at the baby," Ori called, turning to look over at them. Kili stood up straight and turned, smiling widely.

"Hello Balin!" he came over and went through the same greeting that Fili had gone through. Fili went over to the table, clasping hands with each of his cousins and uncles at the table, and then went to say hello to those in the kitchen. He couldn't wipe the smile off his face – every now and then the chaos of the soccer team got to be enough that it reminded him of home, but nothing beat when they all could actually get together. It was loud, and bustling, and Fili absolutely loved it.

"Gloin where's Gimli's mama?" Kili called from back over on the couch.

"She and her sister decided to take this week as a girls' week," he called back, briefly glancing up from the card game. "Fortunately for me, Ori volunteered to watch the little bugger!"

Fili laughed and went to say hello to his youngest cousin before going outside behind Kili to greet Dwalin and Thorin. Both boys said greeted their favorite uncle and hugged him. Thorin smiled fondly at both as he asked how they had been in the few months since he'd seen them last.

"How are you doing all the way in Mirkwood?" he asked Kili, knowing exactly how hesitant he had been in leaving home.

"It's been alright," Kili said non-committedly.

"I hope you boys are hungry!" Dwalin said clapping Fili on the shoulder as he looked at the array of meats cooking on the grill. "You especially Kili!"

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" he despaired, sitting down on a lawn chair right next to the grill. Fili sat next to his brother and put his arm around his shoulders.

"It's because you've become scrawny, little brother. Everyone gets the Freshman Fifteen, but usually people gain fifteen pounds, not lose it! And don't say anything about nasty dorm food, I was there for four years and it is not that bad." Fili smiled at his brother, but was slightly off-put by his brother's extreme scowl. "I'm only joking, Kili. Come on, let's go see if they need any help in the kitchen."

"Could you boys take this with you?" Dwalin handed them a huge platter with all of the cooked meat so far piled high on it. Fili took it, nearly dropping it as it was heavier than he expected. "Careful boy!"

"Kili could you get the door?" Fili grunted, slowly taking the platter to the sliding glass door.

-

An hour later they were all seated around the grand round dinner table that took up most of Balin's dining room area. Fili sat in between Ori and Kili, and couldn't help but think that there was nowhere he would rather be at that moment.

And yet, as he looked around at everyone's heaping platefuls – his including – and then at the measly amount of food on Kili's plate he couldn't help but feel something was incredibly wrong with his younger brother. Kili never missed out on an opportunity to eat – the boy's metabolism was faster than a hawk flies, and he was always hungry. And despite the fact that he was the only minor – besides baby Gimli – he was always allowed to drink at Balin's reunions, even at the previous one when he was only fourteen. However, this time he had water in front of him, and it seemed like that was the only thing he would touch. But Kili was smiling, and laughing along with the rest of the family. Maybe he's just changed. . . Fili thought, and he didn't know which thought scared him more – Kili changing, or something being wrong with him.

Suddenly Fili was smacked in the face with a chunk of steak. He started, and shook his head, looking down at the steak chunk on his plate. The table had gone silent for a moment, and then Fili looked up. Bofur was the first to start laughing and soon everyone was joining in – even baby Gimli was squealing from his high chair next to Gloin.

"What was that for?" Fili said when it died down. He picked it up and popped it in his mouth, washing it down with a gulp of his beer.

"You looked like you were a mile away so I thought I'd bring you back," Bofur said. Before he knew it Fili had thrown a chunk of his own steak at Bofur, and he sat back satisfied when it hit him square in the forehead. A lot more food flew after that, but eventually it all got eaten – none of them were ones to waste any food. After an hour at the table they were all sat back, rubbing their stomachs and proclaiming how full they were.

Everyone except Kili. He got up and excused himself to go to the restroom while everyone was talking their lazy after-dinner chitchat – mostly family gossip. Normally Kili loved this part, listening to the gossip, and learning new things about his huge family and what went on where he couldn't be. Fili furrowed his brow when Kili wasn't back after fifteen minutes, and excused himself to go check on him.

He went to the downstairs bathrooms first, and when he wasn't in either he checked the two upstairs bathrooms, and Kili wasn't in either of those. Frowning he went to the wooden steps that led to their attic bedroom. He ascended the stairs, and Kili was sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands, elbows on his skinny legs.

-

Kili tried to eat dinner. He really did. He just felt sick. He never wanted to eat after a hit, and even though it had been several hours since he did it he still felt off. And he knew he would until he went to sleep.

When did it get so loud? He looked up, from his half full plate, grabbed his water and took a few gulps. He looked around the table, smiling – for show. He laughed, actually laughed, with everyone else when Bofur threw steak at Fili's face. And joined in with the rest of his family when more food started flying – mostly to get it off his own plate – and by the end of the hour actually managed to eat a few bites.

But once it settled down he realized that his slight headache he'd had since they got inside had turned into a pounding in his head that made his stomach churn. Everyone had settled in for a long after dinner talk, and Kili needed to get away. He excused himself, stood, and went straight out the wooden swinging doors to the entryway and up the stairs. He walked slowly, and once he was finally up the second set of stairs he sat heavily on the bed, his head falling into his hands.

This is going to be a long week. . . he thought. I need to get it together if I'm going to make it until Sunday. He had never wanted to be at school more than he did at that moment.

He groaned. It felt as if he were being pulled in two, the one part that wanted to be at school – high – was arguing with the part that was happy to be home, with his brother, uncles and cousins. He didn't know which would win but he hoped they would stop soon.

-

"Kili what's wrong?" he said, slightly alarmed. This was the second time in one day that Fili had found his brother in this position, and it was frightening. He flipped the light on and went to sit next to him.

Kili dropped one of his arms, looking over at Fili, his eyes half closed as if the lights bothered him. "I just have a headache – I'm just not used to the noise of our family anymore," he said, rubbing his forehead. Fili wasn't convinced.

"Are you sure? You barely ate anything downstairs. . ."

"Are you worried that I'm anorexic or something now?" Kili said, offended.

"No!" Fili said, trying not to sound accusatory. "I'm just saying, you usually eat just as much as the rest of us – if not more."

"I'm just not that hungry today!" He yelled, suddenly angry. Fili blinked. Kili stood and walked a few steps away and turned around to face his brother again. "I'm sorry. It's just been a long day."

"I'm just... Really tired," Kili repeated. He wrapped his arms around his waist. It was a bit chilly in their room - Fili made a note to turn the heat up a little. It was cold almost year round in Erebor.

Why won't he tell me what's wrong? Fili thought. But he made up his mind that if anything were really wrong Kili would tell him - they'd never kept secrets from each other and Fili sure hoped that they weren't about to start now.

"Okay," he said standing up. "Good night, then." He stepped over to his younger brother and kissed his forehead like he used to do when they were children. He kept his hand on the back of Kili's head, and looked into his eyes. They were red. "Remember that you can always talk to me."

Kili nodded, and when he smiled Fili pretended not to notice that it didn't reach his eyes.

Fili went back downstairs and wasn't surprised at all to see that everyone was still at the table; even baby Gimli - though he was passed out face down on Gloin's broad chest.

They had brought out dessert: three different fruit tarts. Fili dove in just in time to snag the last piece of apple tart before Bombur could take it (and it would have been his fourth piece).

"Stop eating so much sweets," Fili said to him as he sat down, eating the tart like a piece of pizza. "You're going to have a heart attack."

"Oh shut up, I'm not that old. I'm only six years older than you are!"

"Yes but you could fit four of me in you!" A few others chuckled at that. Bombur stopped for a moment, and them nodded, conceding the point.

"Where's Kili gone off to?" Thorin asked, his deep voice cutting in to their chuckling.

"He said he's tired, long day of travel and all."

"Since when is that boy tired!" Dwalin grunted around the bite of blueberry tart in his mouth.

"Now that you mention it, he did seen a little slower than usual at Christmas," Ori said quietly, his brow slightly furrowed.

"I'm sure it's just the stress of his first year at school. He's still trying to figure out what to major in, what classes to take, what to do to get involved. MU's a big school, I was overwhelmed when I was there. Of course Kili's going to be. He's never really had to be on his own." Fili took a big bite of his tart, trying to mask the sudden emotion he was feeling.

"I'm sure he's doing fine, laddie," Balin said, patting his back from over the gap of Kili's empty chair.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2 of 4

-

Sure enough, the next morning Kili was awake before his brother, and making a racket.

Fili cracked his eyes open, frowning in confusion. Is that the blow dryer? he thought, confusion permeating his mind. He sat up a little and squinted through the room, and sure enough Kili was sitting on the floor across the room, next to the plug, with a blow dryer – Fili's blow dryer - in his hand. "What the hell are you doing?" Fili asked, his voice scratchy.

Kili looked over and turned it off. "What?"

"I said what the bloody hell are you doing?" Fili sat up all the way, resigning himself to being awake for the day. He checked his phone that was charging on the floor next to the bed – it was nine in the morning. He groaned. "It's vacation, I'm supposed to be able to sleep until noon."

"Sorry Fili," he said. He didn't sound sorry at all. "I have to or my hair does extremely weird things as it dries."

"Cut it off!" Fili flopped back down on the bed, and groaned again, rolling over and pressing his face into the pillow as Kili turned the dryer back on.

An hour later Fili was up, showered, and dressed with his dreads wrapped in a towel. He headed downstairs, where a few people were awake and sitting at the table. Gloin was there – he guessed that baby Gimli must have woken him up early – as were Thorin, Dwalin, Balin, Oin and Kili. There were two boxes of doughnuts on the table, and Fili grabbed a twisted glazed one and sat down next to Kili.

"Everyone else still asleep?" he asked before taking a big bite.

"Apparently," Kili said, and Fili looked over and smiled when he saw a glazed doughnut that was missing a bite in his brother's hand.

"Fili, what the hell is on your head?"

"It's a towel, Dwalin!" he said slowly, and laughed when Dwalin wadded up his napkin and threw it at him.

"Everyone's throwing things at Fili!" he said, picking the napkin up off his lap and putting it on the table.

"It's because you wear towels on your head like a girl."

"Well would you rather my head start smelling because I've got mildew in my dreads?"

"No, I'd rather you shaved your head."

"Not going to happen."

"It will if we hold you down," Dwalin muttered, taking another bite out of his doughnut. Fili felt mild concern go through him – he honestly wouldn't put it against his uncles to hold him down and shave his head. Kili's laugh rang out into the room, and soon enough Fili and the others joined in.

"So what are we going to do today!" he asked, changing the subject before Dwalin got it too in his head to shave Fili's.

"I was thinking we could take the boat out," Balin said. "You youngsters can get out the tube."

"Oh yeah, that'll be fun!" Kili said, leaning forward. Fili was more excited to see his brother actually engaging for once, but he was also looking forward to riding the inner tube behind Balin's boat. He had been doing it since he was a child, and some of his fondest memories were with his great-uncle Balin on his boat, and his uncle Thorin, and his younger brother. One of his favorite memories was Kili and Thorin both riding the tube when Kili was about ten, and Balin had turned suddenly and they both had flown off as the tube hit the boat's wake. Fili grabbed another two doughnuts, and handed one to Kili as he leaned back. He gave him a meaningful look and Kili took it, slightly narrowing his eyes. Kili viciously tore into it and ate it quickly.

"Slow down," Thorin chastised from Kili's left. Kili got up and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and Fili ate his own doughnut.

Since when has Kili ever reluctantly eaten doughnuts? He used to beg for them. . . Fili chuckled, despite himself. Like he ever needed the sugar.

-

Kili needed Fili to get off his back, more than anything. More than anything, except one thing. He couldn't stop thinking about the small amount of smack in his bag upstairs. He promised himself that he wouldn't use it, but he could feel that his body really wanted it.

He really wanted it.

He gulped down an entire glass of water, and then refilled it. He drank the second one slower and leant against the island counter. If he really thought about it, he was excited to go on Balin's boat, just. . . less excited than usual. He felt everything less than usual. He thought it should alarm him, but he didn't really feel he could be alarmed anymore. Except by the prospect of his family finding out about his habit. That had him positively jittery.

Or was he jittery for another reason?

His mind once again went to his duffel bag. I need a distraction. . . He finished his water, put the glass in the sink, and went back to the table.

"So when are we going to go?" he asked, leaning his elbows on the back of his chair.

"Well, I don't think many of the others would want to go out, so whenever you want laddie!" Balin said with a smile. Kili found himself smiling as well – Balin had always been one of his favorite uncles. It wasn't that he didn't love all his uncles – and cousins too – but he just didn't know most of them very well. They grew up together, all being close in age, and he grew up with Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, and most importantly Fili. His brother had always been his best friend, his partner in crime. He frowned slightly.

"Why don't you two go get your swimsuits on – you're the only ones crazy enough to get in the water in April – and then we can go!" Kili forced a smile back on his face, and stood up straight again. He grabbed the towel that was still on Fili's head and ran as Fili's dreads flopped down on his face.

-

"Shit!" Kili yelled. Fili turned around at the sudden exclamation. "I forgot my trunks!" Kili turned and looked at his brother, his face irritated.

"Well don't worry, I have two pairs." Fili grabbed both out of his duffel and held them up. Kili grabbed the brown ones and turned back around. Both stripped down to change. Fili turned back around as he pulled his (mostly dry) dreads back and twisted them around into a bun, and his eyes went wide. He could briefly see Kili's ribs and how just plain small he looked. But he quickly pulled his long-sleeved shirt back on and stooped down to grab his flip-flops.

"Let's go!" Kili said, smiling, and Fili quickly put his own shirt back on, grabbed his flip-flops and followed his brother back downstairs. They stopped in the second floor hallway to grab towels, and went down to the kitchen. Thorin was standing on the back porch with Dwalin. Both looked up when the boys opened the door and stepped out.

"You two are crazy," Dwalin said.

"Your mother is going to kill me." Thorin crossed his arms.

"No she won't!" Fili said clapping his uncle on the shoulder.

"Come on boys!" Balin said, rolling by them on his ATV. Dwalin scoffed, muttered something about the old man still being able to walk, and the four of them followed the oldest of their family to the lake.

When they reached the lake Balin was already there waiting for them.

"What took you so long?" He asked, a grin on his face. "Come on, let's go!"

"Can I drive?" Kili asked, hopefully.

"If I wanted my boat at the bottom of the lake then yes, but alas my boy I rather like my boat."

"I wouldn't crash it..." He said, looking at Fili, who was suppressing his laughter. "Oh you wouldn't!" Kili hissed at Fili when he realized the source of his laughter.

"Funny you should say that Balin," Fili started through his laughter.

"Don't listen to him Uncle, he's out of his mind."

"Is this the story I think it is?" Thorin said, a small grin creeping up. Fili nodded, mouthing "oh yeah!"

"Balin you're my favorite uncle," Kili said, knowing that Fili would tell the story.

"I'm not your uncle, I'm your great-uncle, tell the story Fili!"

"When we were fourteen and ten we snuck out here while you were all drinking after dinner and were playing on the dock. Well, young Kili here decided he was going to get in the boat. He didn't have the keys, but he was playing like he was driving it and in his enthusiasm he rocked the boat a bit too much, and gave himself a touch of seasickness."

"So you threw up in my boat!" Balin yelled. "And you let me blame it on poor Ori!" Ori had been seventeen at the time, but still as timid as ever, and had taken the fall for Kili.

"I hate you," Kili said to his brother. "You said you'd never tell."

"I'm only sorry that I'm not sorry brother."

"Now you definitely cannot drive my boat! Ever!"

Fili smiled and ruffled Kili's hair, putting his arm around his shoulders. "At least he's not that mad," he said quietly, leaning in.

"I was nine! I didn't know any better!"

"No but I'm sure given the opportunity you'd do the same now."

Kili twisted out of Fili's grip and hopped over the side of the boat, making his way to sit on the very back of the mid-sized boat. Fili went and sat on the bench in front of him, Kili's knees braced against his shoulders. Kili started drumming on his head and Fili knew that he wasn't mad. Balin started the boat and zoomed forward suddenly and Kili grabbed Fili's face in order to not fly off into the lake. They circled around the enormous lake at high speeds for a while until Balin slowed down, and turned his head to the back.

"You guys ready for some inner tubing?"

"Hell yeah!" They said simultaneously, and Fili stood and moved over so that Kili could stand and jump down to the floor. Thorin stood and hefted the huge tube to the back. He attached the cord to the boat and threw the tube over.

"Who's first?"

"Youngest," Fili said pushing Kili forward. Thorin grabbed Kili's shoulder and leaned forward; Fili could just hear him say, "If you get pneumonia from this water let's blame it on your brother." Kili laughed, and took off his flip-flops and shirt. He wadded it up and tossed it to Fili, who put it on the bench and put his knee down on top of it to keep it from flying away when they started going again.

As Kili climbed over the edge and into the inner tube - yelping when some of the water touched him sending jolts of cold through his system - Fili glanced at Thorin. His uncle had the same wide-eyed look of concern and confusion on his face. He looked back at Kili and didn't fail to notice that his brother kept his left arm crooked against his body.

Once Kili was settled down into the tube, his right hand clenched in one of the handles Balin started the boat forward.

"Two hands, Kili!" Fili yelled as the tube stretched farther and farther away from the boat. Kili just glared at him, and slowly extended his arm out to grasp the other handle. Fili couldn't be sure but he thought he saw a bruise on the crook of his arm – he shook his head and the tube was fully extended. Balin gunned it, and Fili laughed at the look of surprise on Kili's face and then the subsequent exhilarated smile.

They whipped around the lake, Kili laughing and whooping the whole time. "Balin," Dwalin said conspiratorially.

"I already know what you're thinking, brother!" Balin sped up faster and suddenly jerked the boat to the left. It jolted Kili when the tube hit the boat's wake, and he flew off the inner tube squawking as he bounced off the water. Once he surfaced he yelled in horror at the temperature. Balin slowed down and circled back around and slowed near him. Kili immediately started swimming towards the boat.

"That's what you get for puking in my boat! Fili, grab him before he gets hypothermia." Fili leaned over the edge and grabbed Kili's biceps, pulling him up onto the boat. He probably weighed a hundred pounds, and that's soaking wet. Kili immediately went for his towel, wrapping it tightly around his shoulders.

"Damn that's cold!" he yelled. "Fili, your turn!"

"At least Balin won't throw me, I didn't puke in his boat," Fili laughed, but it turned into a yell as Kili jumped on his back. "Holy shit you're cold!" Fili managed to get him off and stripped off his own shirt and flip-flops and climbed down into the tube after Thorin pulled it back.

Balin immediately gunned it, and he yelled with abandon as he flew across the water, and for a moment he forgot everything – his work, the world, his worries. . . especially those about Kili. For a second he was a child again.

He was so absorbed that he didn't see Kili leaning against Balin's chair, until suddenly the boat took a sharp turn and Fili flew off the tube as it hit the wake, just as his brother had. He bounced off the water and was surprised at how much it hurt.

I should have seen that coming, he thought as he flipped himself around under the water and resurfaced sputtering and gasping. "Fuck!"

"Not fun is it!" Kili called, laughing.

"You kidding? This is exactly where I want to be!" Balin turned the boat and came back around, stopping next to where Fili floated. Dwalin reached over and hauled him back into the boat.

"You little shit," Fili said when he saw Kili's shit-eating grin as he shivered on the bench. He wanted to retaliate, but he figured Kili also felt how damn cold that water was and that was punishment enough. He sat down on the bench and wrung out his dreads, laughing at Thorin's low whistle at just how much water he could squeeze out.

"You boys want to go again?" Balin asked, starting the boat forward again.

"I'm up for it, Kili?" Fili asked, looking over to his brother but noticed he was shivering violently. "You okay? Kili." Kili jerked up and looked at Fili.

"What?"

"Do you want to go again?" he asked doubtfully. Kili shook his head. "Thought not," Fili said. "Can we just head back?"

"Of course, laddies." Fili sat next to Kili after he put his shirt back on. He leaned over the edge and continued to squeeze water from his dreads.

When they all got back to the house it looked like everyone was finally awake. A few of them had put on a soccer game and Fili smiled when he saw that it was his team. And a rebroadcast.

"The Elks lose," he said as he passed through. A loud groan went through the group, and several of them threw couch pillows at him.

-

Kili went straight to the stairs and went up to his room. He still had his towel wrapped around his shoulders and he was shivering violently. But he wasn't really cold anymore. He sat on his bed and watched his hands shake. I need it. . . he thought, over and over again. Suddenly his stomach started hurting. He stood, took the towel off and changed into sweatpants, a long sleeved shirt and a sweatshirt – he'd take another shower later – and wrapped his arms around himself. He could still feel himself shaking.

He heard Fili start to ascend the stairs and all he could think was, I don't want to talk to him. He went down the wooden attic stairs and dashed into one of the second floor bathrooms – thankful it was unoccupied. He sat down on the edge of the tub, his arms still wrapped around his middle. He winced as his stomachache got worse and a light wave of nausea washed over him. He closed his eyes, trying to will himself to feel better. This is not how he wanted to spend this week – but at the same time he was finding it hard to care any more. It was all he could do to not lurch upstairs, dive over the edge of his bed, grab his duffel bag and dump everything out until he could get his stash, and shoot up right there on the bed. To lie down and curl up and forget the world. Forget everything - his loneliness, his anxiety, his problems. He couldn't concentrate on anything, ever, no matter what he was on, be it Ritalin or heroin, and he was so tired of constantly going. His brain never shut up, constantly moving from thought to thought to thought only stopping when he slept, and he often had trouble doing even that.

Kili slumped over and wrapped his arms around his thighs, pressing his face between his knees. It hurt. It hurt to resist. It hurt that he was seriously considering shooting up at his family reunion.

But I could do it. . . he couldn't help thinking. I could do it tonight while everyone sleeps, and no one would know. . . He let out a quiet sob. I am in control. I do not need it. I do not need it. . . He sat up and stared up at the ceiling. I don't. . . He stood up and staggered out of the bathroom.

-

Fili finished drying his dreads as best as he could and pulled them back into a loose low ponytail. He put on jeans and a t-shirt and headed back downstairs. He vaguely wondered where Kili was, but figured he was already down there.

It was lunchtime, but they were more of a dinner family, and everyone was usually on their own for lunch. He started for the kitchen, asking if anyone wanted a turkey and cheese sandwich while he was going to make some when something caught his eye in the backyard.

Kili was standing with his bow and arrow aimed at an old target he'd had for a long time. He saw him take a deep breath and release the arrow, and Fili smiled proudly as it hit the bulls-eye. He'd thought archery was a strange pastime for a ten year old, but he had insisted he wanted to learn until his mother let him take lessons at Erebor's Community Center. Kili had had natural talent, and excelled. He could actually channel his concentration into it, and it was for that reason that their mother kept him in lessons until he reached the last level, and then enthusiastically agreed when he wanted to join the archery club and compete. He even won – quite a few times.

Fili made a stack of sandwiches for everyone, and then grabbed two of them. He headed out the back door and started towards Kili, noticing that while he was in a t-shirt Kili was in an overlarge red MU sweatshirt – one that probably fit at one point – and black sweat pants and boots.

"Hey, Kil', want a sammich?" he asked, stopping a few feet from him as Kili drew another arrow.

"No thanks," he said and let it go. It hit one of the outer rings. "Dammit."

"You sure, I made it myself," he said, trying to make it sound tempting.

"Yes, I'm sure, now leave me alone I'm trying to practice," Kili said, his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth tight. Then his face relaxed and his eyes widened slightly, as if he hadn't meant to sound so harsh. Fili watched as a slightly confused look came over his brother's face and he went back to his shooting.

"Okay. Well it'll be inside when you get done. Though I can't guarantee someone won't eat it by then."

"Look, I don't want your stupid sandwich okay!" Kili yelled. He stared at Fili, wide-eyed, until he shook his head and walked away.

-

"Uncle," Fili said, standing behind the couch where Thorin and a few others were sitting and watching a show that Fili had never seen before. Thorin looked up and cocked an eyebrow. "Can I talk to you?"

"Of course," Thorin replied, standing and following Fili into the kitchen. "What's wrong?" Fili leaned against the island and looked down at his hands. "Come on now, tell me what's wrong," he asked, his voice softer, trying to coax Fili into talking.

Fili glanced up and met Thorin's eyes. His uncle's face softened when he saw the slight glimmer in his nephew's eyes. "I think there's something wrong with Kili," Fili said quietly.

"I think you're right," Thorin said a moment later.

"He's lost so much weight, he's irritable, he's fidgety. . . I mean, he's always kind of been like that because of his ADHD, but I don't know. . . He went to bed early last night, and he's always cold. He yelled at me last night. And then he yelled at me again a little while ago, when I offered him a sandwich. He never yells at me. Sure we've fought a few times over the years, but usually he talks to me if he has a problem. . . Do you think he could be sick?"

"I don't know Fili," Thorin said. "He was the same when he was home for Christmas." Thorin took a deep breath. "I think he's just very stressed at school. He's having a hard time being on his own, and he's taking it out on you because you're closest to him, and you're not there with him."

"Do you think he thinks I abandoned him when I moved to Rivendell?"

"I think you abandoned all of us when you moved there. But. . . you needed to, that job is good for you. My nephew, the doctor." Thorin gave a small smile, and squeezed Fili's shoulder as Fili laughed softly, muttering "not quite yet" under his breath. "I think Kili will be alright, he just needs to adjust."

Fili looked back down to his hands, and took a deep breath. "I hope you're right. . ."

-

"Hey mum," Fili answered after he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He couldn't help the smile that broke out across his face at the sound of his mother's voice. He had been worrying about Kili all afternoon.

"Hello Fili," his mother replied fondly. "How are you and your brother?" He stood from his spot on the couch. He, Dori, Ori, Dwalin, and Kili were watching The Dark Knight. He glanced back down at Kili, who hadn't reacted when he mentioned their mum. He squelched the emotion that welled up in his throat. He walked over to the kitchen and sat on the barstool.

"We're good! We're good."

"I can't wait to see you, I'll be there in about an hour."

"Great! I can't wait to see you either, I've missed you so much."

"Yes, well – my son the doctor! Must be a busy job!"

"Thorin said the same thing."

"We're both so proud of you. Everyone is."

"Thank you."

"Is that your mum?" Fili turned around and saw Balin behind him. He nodded. "May I speak to her?"

"Hey mum, Balin wants to talk to you."

"Alright love, I'll see you tonight. Love you."

"Love you too," he said and he handed his phone to Balin.

"Hello, Dis," Balin said, smiling warmly. Fili could hear the buzz of his mother's voice on the other end. "Yes, the party hasn't been the same without you!" Balin laughed. "Actually, we were planning on going out for dinner tonight, so do you want to meet us at Bombur and Bifur's restaurant?" He laughed again, and said, "Yes, well it's really the only place that'll accommodate all of us, isn't it! Alright dearie, I'll see you in an hour or so." Balin gave Fili back his phone and he hit the end call button.

"I'll never understand those touch-screen phones. . ." He said, shaking his head as he walked back to the kitchen table to sit back down and rejoin the card game as he muttered about kids these days having something against buttons. Fili went to the couch and sat back down next to Kili.

"Mum'll be here soon. Apparently we're going to Bombur and Bifur's for dinner." Kili grunted in return, and Fili looked closely at him. He was pale and he was chewing on his lip, picking at his fingernails – and when Fili looked at those they were all ripped up.

"Take a picture it'll last longer," Kili said under his breath. Fili's face fell, and he frowned.

"What's the matter with you?" Fili could slowly feel himself moving past worry and into irritation.

"Nothing," Kili said, but his voice told Fili the exact opposite. And when he stood and left the living room, pushing through the swinging doors to the stairs with more force than necessary Fili stood to follow him. He glanced to the dining table as he passed and caught eyes with Thorin.

Fili followed Kili up the stairs and sprinted to catch up to him as he took the steps to their room. Fili strode into their room after Kili and shut the door once he was through. He turned and looked at Kili, who had started pacing. "Why won't you leave me alone?" Kili yelled as he suddenly stopped and faced his brother. His eyes were red rimmed and he was shaking.

"Why the fuck do you want me to? Why won't you talk to me?" Fili replied, feeling the edge of desperation color his tone. "We always talk, we're always there for each other, why is now any different? I know you Kili, I know something's wrong!"

"You don't know me though! You haven't known me for four and a half years! Not since you left," Kili said, his voice cracking at the last word. He started pacing again. "You were my best friend, and then you left me alone."

"I went to college! It's not like I abandoned you!"

"But you did!" Kili screamed. "I had no friends – no real friends. I had people that I sat with at lunch, but no one could handle me! I was too much of a spas, or too weird, or I wouldn't shut up. I was the class clown, but I had nobody to talk to – because you were too busy living your new life at college."

"And you don't think it was hard for me too?" Fili said, the desperation now fully fledged and straining his voice. "You're my best friend and my favorite person in the world, the hardest thing I ever did was leave you behind! You're my baby brother," Fili said, his voice pleading; he didn't even know what for. "I thought you would have no problem making friends."

Kili laughed, but didn't say anything. He slumped down on his bed and wrapped his arms around himself – something Fili noticed that he'd been doing a lot of lately. Probably a safety mechanism, he thought. Kili sniffed and Fili could tell that he was trying to hold back tears. He always sniffed in the same way when he didn't want to cry but knew it was inevitable. Fili went and sat next to Kili, putting his arm around his brother's bony shoulders and pulled him into his side. Kili let out a sob and threw his arms around Fili's middle. Fili wrapped his own around Kili and pulled him in tight, resting his chin on his brother's head.

"I've missed you so much. . ." Kili whispered between sobs.

"I've missed you too, baby brother." Fili looked up when he saw their door open slightly, and Thorin stood in the gap, concern in his eyes. Fili nodded his head slightly, and smiled wanly.

As Kili cried Fili started to get the sense of just how much weight his brother had been carrying. It wasn't just Fili that he was crying about – but Fili had no idea what else it was. He desperately wanted to know, but at the same time he knew that if Kili wanted him to know he would tell him. He just had to wait for his brother to come to him – he always did. A few minutes later he stopped and they sat there for a few more moments, breathing together and silently reconnecting after years of disconnect. Neither had really noticed it, but slowly as the space and time between them grew they grew more and more separate. No longer was it "Fili and Kili", it had slowly and silently turned into "Fili" and "Kili", and when Fili thought about it, it broke his heart. Kili needed him, and he had left.

He could have gone the more traditional route, and started his residency at Erebor General Hospital, but he had decided to focus on sports medicine, and take that internship in Rivendell, when he knew that it would take him hours away from his hometown and his family – and even further away from Kili. Kili had been so excited to go off to college – the same place as his big brother had gone, and Fili knew that he hadn't really thought about the implications. That he would be leaving his mum, his uncle, the rest of his family, the few friends he had from high school, and he would be even further from his big brother. Rivendell was three hours from Erebor, and Mirkwood was five hours the other direction.

Fili tightened his grip, kissing the top of Kili's head. "You okay?" he whispered. Kili took a shaky breath, and started to pull away. He used the sleeves of his sweatshirt to wipe his eyes and he sniffed again.

"I'm okay," he whispered back.

"I love you."

Kili looked pained, and he nodded; he didn't reply.

-

They left thirty minutes later, piling into four cars. Fili drove his own with Kili in the passenger's seat, and Bofur and Ori sitting on either side of Gimli's car seat.

"I can't believe how ginger he already is," Bofur said messing with his curly red hair. He was only eight months old but he already had extremely thick red hair on his head.

"Yeah, just like his dad," Ori replied.

"And his mum, she's got fiery red hair!"

"That she does; everything about her screams firecracker. Gloin's lucky he snatched her up when he did."

Fili smiled as he listened to his cousins talk in the back. He glanced over at Kili. He was slumped down in his seat, looking out the window. His hair was pulled back and he had changed into jeans, but he was still wearing the sweatshirt. Fili guessed that crying had taken a lot out of him emotionally, and he could see how tired he was.

"I'm glad mum's going to be here," he heard Kili say quietly. "I miss her."

"She's really excited to see us, she said." Fili glanced over at Kili to see him nodding. Bofur and Ori still chattered in the back.

"I'm so excited to go to Bombur's place," Bofur said, addressing Fili.

"Don't you go there all the time?"

"Yes, but every time I go I'm just so proud at what he's accomplished! To be completely honest we didn't think he'd turn out to be much at all, but when I see what he and Bifur have done I'm so happy I was wrong." Bombur and Bofur were twins, and Bofur had his music that was always his thing, from when he was very young. Bombur, however, didn't do very much of anything until he realized in high school that he really loved to cook – sure he'd always loved to eat but he didn't really know that he could cook.

Then he'd been talking to their cousin Bifur and had realized that he also loved to cook – and so they had both gone to culinary school together, and when they were out they enlisted Thorin and his business know-how and opened their restaurant/bakery. That was seven years ago, and now their place was the best place to get dinner in all of Erebor.

"Yeah, it is a pretty awesome place."

They arrived a few minutes later, and parked in the large parking lot on the side of the building. They all filed out, and headed towards the front door. They were the last to arrive; everyone was already at a table in the back – well more like five tables pushed together. There was a loud chorus of hellos as they approached. Ori handed Gimli to Gloin and sat down next to Dori and Oin. Bofur sat next to Bombur, and Fili and Kili walked up to their mum, who had her back turned to them.

They leaned around on either side of her and kissed both her cheeks. "Hey mum," they said together.

"My boys!" Dis said, and she wrapped her arms around their necks to nuzzle them both. "Oh, I've missed you!"

"Missed you too, mum," Kili said quietly, just to her.

"It's been way too long," Fili said, pressing his face into the crook of her neck.

"And whose fault was that?"

"Mine. . ." he mumbled.

"Yes, it is. Now sit down, I saved you seats." They stood up and sat down next to her – Fili between Dis and Thorin, and Kili on her other side next to Balin.

-

Kili squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed at one of them. They itched, and his left one kept twitching every now and then. His legs were tensed, trying to keep them from spasming, but every now and then he would lose control and kick the table's leg in the center, causing the whole table to shake.

"Kili, sweetie stop kicking the table," his mother said the last time it happened. "You nearly knocked over my beer."

"Sorry mum," he mumbled.

"Now speak up," she said, turning to look at her youngest son. "You've been mumbling all night, where's the loud-mouth son I love?" He looked up at her and took a deep breath. He pushed his hands between his thighs under the table so Dis wouldn't see them shaking. Her face was concerned, and she pushed his bangs off his forehead. "Are you alright, honey?"

"I'm fine mum, I'm just tired. Last week was really long with finals and everything, and I still haven't caught up on my sleep yet." It was a lie. A complete lie. Sure, he had taken his finals, ending his winter term with two C's, a D, and an F, but that wasn't the reason he hadn't slept all week. His two final papers had been due the week before finals week, then he had had two final exams on Monday – he spent the rest of the week high. Celebrating with his "friends" – really just people he got high with, he didn't even remember their names most of the time - and mooching off of their stash. He had even stolen some, and that was what was in his bag at Balin's.

Oh god. . . he moaned in his head. Don't think about that. . . But he couldn't help it. Every time he tried to pull his thoughts away they were just ripped right back. He tried to pay attention to the lively conversation around him but it was all just noise – a buzzing that went in one ear and out the other.

"So tell me about school! How was your winter term, you never call home so I never know what you're up to!" Dis asked, and suddenly half of their group's attention was fixed on Kili. His eyes went wide, and he blinked several times in surprise.

"What?"

"Tell us about school, how was your winter term? It snows a lot in Mirkwood, right?"

Kili tried to comprehend his mother's question, but all he could think was oh god I need to be high right now I need it I need it I need it I need my heroin!

SNAP OUT OF IT!

He swallowed.

"Not- not much more than it does here."

"It actually rains a lot more there," Fili said, noticing how much trouble his brother was having. "But that just means that the forest is greener, so it's quite beautiful year round." Kili was too relieved to have some of the attention off of him to feel embarrassed or irritated.

"What classes did you take this term, laddie?" Balin asked from Kili's other side.

He desperately tried to remember. He blinked a few times. He hadn't actually gone that often. "Anthropology, English, biology. . . and French." French? That was the class he skipped the most often. He could barely focus on English, how was he supposed to be able to speak a completely different language. "They weren't bad," he said, trying to beat anyone to any more questions they may decide to ask.

I can't do much more of this.

-

Fili was in the middle of telling Dwalin and Thorin a story about the time that Elrond had inadvertently made Thranduil look like a fool in front of the team – Dwalin and Thorin had both gone to school with Thranduil, and didn't like him much – when he noticed Kili excused himself to go to the restroom.

"Fili," he stopped speaking at his mother's tone, and turned to look at her. "Has Kili been like that since you picked him up yesterday?" Fili's heart sank at the sadness that permeated his mother's voice. He nodded, and she closed her eyes for a moment. "He was like that at Christmas too. I figured he was just having a tough time at school, but that he would get over it. Maybe I should go talk to him." She sighed, visibly agitated.

"Dis, calm down," Thorin said from her other side. "He needs to learn to be on his own without shutting down, if you baby him he will never learn."

"Mum, I think it may be more than just school that's getting to Kili. The way he's acting, I don't think his ADHD meds are working anymore."

"How can that be? They've worked just fine for fourteen years!"

"Yeah, and I think his body has built up a resistance to it. I think you need to talk to his doctor about changing to something else."

"Or maybe he shouldn't be on anything, and he's just fine without it. He's been on it for so long, maybe that's what's messing with his brain!" Thorin said, trying to keep his voice down. "Perhaps he was just a rambunctious child, and you were too quick to label it." Fili looked down to focus on his plate of half-finished food. He had heard this argument many times, and when he was younger, he hadn't known whom he sided with – because it seemed that they both made valid points. But after college – and even though he hadn't gone to medical school yet – he knew a bit more about ADHD to know that Kili had it, and had it bad. But he wouldn't be able to talk to Thorin about it. . . he wouldn't listen. When he gets something into his head he won't listen to anyone else's opinion, even if they are right and he knows it. His mother and uncle were still arguing a moment later and Fili was getting angry.

"Can we not do this now?" he hissed. Both Thorin and Dis stopped talking and looked at him, but Fili's eyes were still focused on the table. Slowly the conversation picked back up as those who had been listening to their almost-argument went back to other topics.

Kili came back a few minutes later, looking visibly more perked up, but when Fili looked into his eyes he could see something in them that scared him.

-

I can't do it.


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3 of 4

-

They finished dinner about a half hour later, and headed home. They put in a movie – the Fifth Element – and everyone gathered in the living room to talk over it. It was tradition to pick a movie at Balin's and then not actually watch it, so Ruby Rhod's buzzing and some pretty great explosions punctuated their conversation. Fili sat on the floor, his back against the couch in between his mother's knees. She kept forgetting that he had dreads, and went to play with his hair, and then made a noise in the back of her throat and tugged on them saying, "When are you going to get rid of these?" He would laugh and shake his head.

Kili lay on the floor next to him, his head resting on Fili's thigh. Fili played with his hair during most of the movie, and by the time the movie reached its climax he was sure Kili was asleep. But when the credits rolled Kili pushed himself up, and said good night to everyone.

"Good night," Fili replied, patting his brother's calf before he walked away. He looked exhausted.

They put in another movie, Nori announcing that Dori had never seen the Boondock Saints and that he needed to, and Gloin took that as his cue to put Gimli to bed. However, it was eleven o'clock when they started it, and no matter how into the movie they were, everyone was asleep by the time Rocco shot the cat. When Fili noticed that no one else was reacting to the movie with him he stood and turned the TV off. He looked at all of his sleeping relatives and chuckled under his breath. He didn't envy the stiff necks they would all have in the morning.

He rubbed the back of his own neck, and turned to head up to his room. He took the stairs slowly, his hand dragging on the banister. When he got to the top of the stairs Fili saw that the light was on in their room, but the door was closed. Kili must have fallen asleep with the light on. . . he thought – nevertheless his brow furrowed and he hastened his ascent. He opened the door and stopped when he saw Kili on his back on the bed, as if he had sat down and then leaned back. At first glance everything looked okay, he was just sleeping.

But then Fili noticed that Kili was still wearing his boots and clothes, minus the sweatshirt, and his sleeves were rolled up. His left arm was straight along his side and the other was resting on his stomach.

And there was a needle in his hand.

A jolt went through Fili that was so intense his knees almost gave out. Kili! Within a second he was across the room, one knee braced on the bed next to Kili's still form.

"Kili!" he yelled, checking his pulse. It was still there, but it was slow and faint. He lifted one of Kili's eyelids and his pupil was smaller than Fili had ever seen outside of a textbook. "Shit!" He was sweating profusely. "Kili!" Fili yelled louder, "Kili!" He picked up the needle and set it down on the bedside table – his hand was shaking.

Suddenly Fili heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and he turned, one hand still on the side of Kili's face. It was Thorin.

"Call an ambulance!" he screamed, and Thorin's eyes went wide.

"What happened?" Thorin asked as he pulled out his phone.

"He's overdosed on something, I knew something worse was wrong!" Fili was still yelling, and after a moment his mother and Dwalin were in the doorway.

"Oh my god what happened?" Dis shrieked when she saw Kili's limp form on the bed. She rushed over and knelt down next to the bed, taking one of Kili's hands in her own and pushing his hair off his face, calling out for him. Fili turned back and saw Thorin talking into his phone, but he couldn't hear his uncle anymore. He couldn't hear his mother either. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion, and he looked back at his baby brother. He's dying, the thought came unbidden, and he could feel a sob well up in his chest, and could feel it wrack his body as it emerged but he couldn't hear it. All he could hear was Kili's voice from earlier – "You left me alone!"

A moment later everything came back to Fili, he could hear his mother's sobs, as well as his own, and he could just barely hear Thorin talking to Dwalin. "The ambulance is on its way, they said to bring him downstairs to wait for them, it'll make it easier to get him into the truck when they get here."

"I'll get him," Dwalin said. He was easily the strongest and tallest out of all of them, but Fili guessed that even scrawny little Ori could lift Kili in this state. Fili stood and moved to the other side of the bed, taking his mother's arm and dragging her up to her feet and a little ways away from the bed so that Dwalin could get to Kili. He picked him up and turned to follow Thorin downstairs. He could vaguely hear Thorin telling everyone to move off the couch and Fili figured that their yelling had woken them all up. He wrapped his arms around his mother and she cried into his sweatshirt, her arms tight around his waist. They stood there for a minute, before Dis broke away.

"My baby," she cried as she started for the stairs, and Fili followed close behind, afraid that in her distress she would trip and fall. They got to the living room and all the lights were on, and Oin was kneeling next to Kili on the couch. Fili suddenly remembered that Oin had been a doctor during some war – he couldn't remember which at the moment – and worked at Erebor General for many years after but had retired a decade ago to focus on other things. He was checking Kili's pulse once again, and after a moment he looked up at Dis and Fili, who were both standing back a few paces. "He's still alive," he said, but it didn't make Fili feel any better.

I should have known. I should have been able to stop this. He couldn't help the crippling guilt that was beginning to settle in his stomach. Oin stood and went to Dis to explain what the paramedics would do when they arrived, but Fili wasn't listening. He went to the kitchen and got a cup of water. He downed it in three big gulps, and promptly threw it back up into the sink – along with what was left of his dinner. It tasted mostly of bile, and Fili coughed at the sting. He felt a hand on his back, and turned to see Balin next to him.

"Are you alright, laddie?"

Fili let out a ragged half-laugh-half-cough and shook his head, a grim smile on his lips. "No, I'm not," his voice sounded strangled. "That idiot!" he ground out, slamming his fist on the counter. "And I'm an even bigger idiot!"

"You are not, and I know what you're thinking, there's nothing you could have done to prevent this. You didn't know that Kili was having so much trouble, this is in no way your fault."

"Then why does it feel like it is?"

"Because he's your baby brother. If Dwalin had done the same thing when we were your age I would feel the exact same way. Here, wipe your mouth." Fili took the proffered paper towel and wiped his mouth with it.

"Thanks."

"Of course."

-

Kili was floating higher than he ever had before. Everything was bliss. He could no longer feel the deep ache of want in his core, nor were his limbs twitching and his stomach cramping.

In fact, he couldn't feel his limbs. Or his stomach. He couldn't feel anything beyond pure happiness. He was ethereal, detached from the world and all it's troubles and pain. He was a spirit, and it felt like years passed in a second.

He felt the faintest of sensations, as if the lightest air one could feel was grazing his body, and then he was lowered onto a cloud. He couldn't move, but he didn't want to. Why would he want to move? Everything was perfect right where he was.

Very, very slowly he felt himself start to sink. Like a leaf falling from a tree he wafted down, down, down, down. . . down. . . down. . .

And suddenly he was violently jerked up, and Kili could feel everything. His body came back to him, every nerve ending, every capillary and vein firing back to life, once again pumping blood with fervor, and then the worst pain Kili had ever felt. He took a deep breath – what felt like his first in years – decades – centuries.

And then he screamed, one long gut-wrenching, throat splitting scream, and it dissolved into groans and moans and incoherent cries. He vaguely felt a hand on his own and he latched on, squeezing as hard as he could.

Then his stomach spasmed, and his eyes flew open. He was rolled onto his side just in time to heave the contents of his stomach into a bucket. He coughed, and his stomach clenched again as he heaved once more, but there was nothing else to come up. He dry-heaved a few more times before he was pushed back onto his back.

"Kili? Can you hear me?" came an unfamiliar voice as something was put on his face. He couldn't keep his eyes open and his brain felt like mud. He tried to answer the voice but he was pulled back down into the darkness.

-

Fili sat in the waiting area with Thorin and his mother. He had followed the ambulance with his mother, as Thorin was the only one calm enough to give the paramedics the information they needed. Fili had driven in a fog, and was grateful when they finally pulled up to the parking lot. Thorin was sitting in an uncomfortable looking chair with a clipboard and form in his lap. When they reached him Fili could see the form was half filled out. Dis sat down next to her brother, not crying anymore but still sniffing periodically. Fili stayed standing.

"I can't remember his birthday. . ." Thorin said, his voice a mixture of sadness and irritation. "I can't believe that I can't remember his birthday."

"November 30," Dis said quietly, and Thorin wrote it down.

One day after mine. . . Fili thought. He couldn't remember the day his brother was born, but he could remember his fifth birthday party. He was so angry that he now had to share it with this tiny thing that had invaded his life – because Dis thought it silly to have two parties when their birthdays were only one day apart. They had come to Balin's lake house, which nineteen years ago had been smaller, as he had added a lot over time, and their whole family had come to celebrate with them. Fili had been so angry the entire time, because everyone was paying attention to little baby Kili, no one cared about the newly five year old Fili.

Always have to steal the show, don't you brother? He thought, and was surprised at the edge in his thoughts. He could feel himself moving past shock and towards anger – and guilt. Why didn't he just talk to me? Why did he start using drugs? Did he overdose on purpose? Was it me? Fili couldn't help the guilty thoughts that roiled around his brain. Finally his knees gave out and he sat down on the floor in front of Thorin and Dis.

"Sweetheart, are you alright?" his mother asked, reaching her hand out. He dragged himself forward so that he could lean against one of her legs. He took her hand and hung on it.

"No," he whispered, "I'm not."

"I know you," she said back, her voice smooth and calm – and if not for the occasional sniffs Fili would think her to be the picture of composure. "You cannot blame yourself. This is not your fault," she whispered.

"But I was always there for him growing up, and then I wasn't."

"You are growing up, living your own life. You're an adult now, you cannot hold yourself back for Kili. He needs to catch up to you," Thorin said, his voice gruff.

"And he tried! He went away to school, and this is what happened. I should have stayed in Erebor so he could go to ECC and we could stay together."

"You are not his keeper, he needs to live his own life. And yes, he needs some help to do it, but you're not the only one he can rely on. He has us," Thorin gestured to Dis and himself, "and our entire family." Fili didn't answer, he just looked down at his hand that rested in his lap, his cheek pressed against his mother's hand clasped in his other.

Ten minutes later a doctor came out and walked towards them, Fili scrambled to stand up and Thorin stood as well. He was probably the biggest man Fili had ever seen – both tall and broad.

"Mr. Oakenshield?" he asked, addressing Thorin. Thorin nodded and shook his hand. "My name is Dr. Beorn. Kili is stable, but," Fili heard Dis moan at the 'but', "he has fallen into a coma. While it is not entirely rare for this to happen after an overdose, we have no way of knowing when he will wake. It could be a few hours, and it could be a few days."

"May we see him?" Fili asked, his voice shaky.

"Yes, of course. Please follow me." Dis stood, and took Fili's hand as they followed Dr. Beorn back towards a room with four beds in it, separated by curtains. Kili was in the back corner next to the window. Beorn stepped back as Fili, Dis, and Thorin went to him. He was pale and intubated, with an IV hooked up to his arm. He was hooked up to a heart monitor and Fili had never been so relieved to hear that regular beeping sound.

Fili was on Kili's right, Dis and Thorin on his left. There was a chair between Kili's bed and the one next to it so Fili grabbed it and sat down, taking Kili's hand. He thought that Dis and Thorin also sat down but he wasn't sure, he could only focus on his finger on Kili's pulse point below his thumb and the soft thumping of Kili's heart. Fili rested his forehead on the bed. He's alive. . .

-

They were only allowed to stay for an hour before the nurse came and asked them to leave, promising to call the moment there was a change in Kili's condition. Fili kissed Kili's forehead after he stood, and murmured "wake up," before following Dis and Thorin out of the room and down the hall.

He got into the backseat after Thorin asked for the keys, and they started the half hour drive back to Balin's. Fili numbly checked his phone and saw that it was two am. He put his head back against the seat's headrest and closed his eyes. Everything started to make sense now that he knew the truth.

He must have been fighting it since I got him day before yesterday, because I would have known if he were high at all. . . He must have seen his chance when we were all staying downstairs. He was up there for at least an hour before I found him, and he couldn't have been unconscious for more than twenty minutes. He must have been pacing, panicking, trying to resist and then finally given in. . . Fili furrowed his brow and opened his eyes, not liking his thoughts. He stared out the dark window at the sky. There were millions of stars that Fili could see. Another night he would have thought how beautiful it was. Now all he could think was that he wanted his baby brother to wake up and be all right.

The next day Fili woke up early. He had had a nightmare, and found that when he checked his phone to see that it was five am, and saw the empty bed next to his he didn't want to try to sleep anymore. He groaned softly, but finally stood, stretched, and got dressed. He went downstairs quietly, hoping everyone else was still asleep.

He wasn't alone, however, when he saw that Dis was in the kitchen, and Dwalin and Ori were sitting at the island. Ori was chattering quietly about his work, while Dwalin played with Gimli, who sat on the countertop. Ori must have brought him down, Fili thought. Dis was making pancakes, and Fili could smell them from across the large expanse of the downstairs.

As he got closer Dis turned and saw him, giving him a small smile as she mixed a second bowl of batter. "Good morning, sweetheart."

"Morning mum," he replied. "Morning Ori, Dwalin. Gimli," he managed to greet the baby with a smile and a small laugh. He had baby food smeared all over his face. Ori had the small jar of food in one hand and the small baby spoon in the other, and a slightly harried look on his face.

"Little bugger hates this stuff," Dwalin said as Gimli wrapped his tiny stubby fingers around Dwalin's huge ones and Dwalin pulled him to his feet.

"I'm making pancakes!" Dis said, trying to sound chipper.

"Isn't it a little early for pancakes?"

"It's never too early for pancakes," Dis and Dwalin said at the same time.

"Great minds think a like, don't they uncle," she said as she poured more batter onto the skillet. Dwalin heartily agreed. There was already a pile of them to her left. Fili frowned slightly. He loved pancakes as much as the next person, but he knew his mother. When she got sad she baked. When their father died – Fili had only been ten – she had made over a thousand cookies in a week. He and Kili – his heart clenched at the thought of him – had donated almost half of them to Bombur's bakery, and had gone around the neighborhood giving the rest of them out, they just had too many to eat.

That day and the next passed slowly, and Fili couldn't bring himself to do much of anything. He tried reading, tried watching TV, tried playing cards. He lost three games of speed against Nori before he got up and walked outside. He decided to take a walk, and headed towards the lake.

It wasn't long before he realized that Thorin was walking next to him. They walked in silence until they reached the edge of the lake, and then Fili walked to the end of the pier, took off his shoes and socks, rolled up his jeans and sat, trailing his toes in the water. Thorin stayed standing behind him. Fili took deep breaths, relishing the cold air and the cold of the water around his feet.

"I hope he wakes up soon," Fili said.

"I do too," Thorin replied, an edge of hope to his voice.

"I want him to wake up so that I can smack him. How could he be this stupid?" Fili slammed his fist down on the wood. "What was he thinking?"

"I don't think he was. You brother rarely does think before he acts." Thorin came to sit next to Fili, keeping his legs crossed instead of hanging them over the pier. "Especially when he was little, that boy never thought. He just did." Fili looked over at his uncle, and for the first time noticed just how much grey was in his long hair. He wore it loose, and the breeze lightly blew it in front of his face. "But it's our job now to help him. Once he wakes up we need to convince him that he needs to go to rehab. It won't help if we force him, he has to go on his own."

"I'll talk to him, he'll listen to me. . ." Fili wasn't so sure anymore.

"Come on, let's go back. Your mother's making pie today, and we'll want to get some of the first batch before Bombur gets his hands on it."

-

The next morning Fili was sitting at the kitchen table at six in the morning – he hadn't been able to sleep well any night since Kili's. . . accident. . . and neither had his mother. He nibbled at one of the numerous chocolate chip scones Dis had made the night before. After she made dinner and then practically forced them to eat five cookies each Bombur had, happily, and with his mouth of food, joked about stealing her from hers and Thorin's jewelry and metalwork store and put her to work in his bakery. She looked like she might actually be considering it for a moment, and Fili didn't mind either way – it didn't affect him, and he knew his mother would be happy in either place. But Thorin had pulled her aside later and asked her if she were really considering it and she had laughed. "I will do what I like big brother, and for right now what I like is our business." Thorin looked relieved.

"Here Fili, honey, have another," Dis said handing him another scone. "You're skin and bones."

"Mum, I'm pudgy, and I've still got this one," he held up the scone he was holding, but took the proffered scone anyways.

"You are not pudgy, you are downright thin."

Suddenly Thorin's phone rang and they both stopped. Fili stood and crossed the short distance to the phone where it had been charging on the kitchen counter, picked up and hit talk. "Hello?"

"Mr. Oakenshield?" came a voice. Fili recognized it, and after a second he realized it was Kili's doctor.

"No, this is Fili Durin, Kili's brother, is this Dr. Beorn?"

"Yes, it is. Hello."

"One second," Fili said, and he returned to the table and put the phone on speaker. "Ok you're on speaker."

"This is Kili's mother, is he alright?" Dis asked. Fili could see that she was barely holding back tears.

"Yes, Mrs. Durin, Kili is fine. He woke up a little while ago, and has been asking for you."

"We'll be there as soon as we possibly can, we're leaving now." Dis said and she stood and practically ran to the stairs yelling "Thorin!"

"Thank you Doctor," Fili said, the relief he felt bringing tears to his eyes.

"Of course, Fili. I'll see you soon." Fili hung up and stood to get his shoes. Dis came back down a moment later with a disheveled Thorin, who clearly just woke up and threw on the first clothes he could find.

"I'm coming too!" Balin said, coming down the stairs. "I heard you talking and I was already awake."

"Of course uncle," Dis said, shooing everyone to the front door. They went to Balin's SUV and Balin handed Thorin the keys.

The ride there was uneventful, if not a little tense. Once the shock and excitement wore off they all remembered exactly why Kili had been in a coma in the first place – and even three days later Fili still felt the anger and confusion bubbling just below the surface. He took a deep breath, and Balin patted him on the shoulder, giving him a warm smile. He half-heartedly returned it, and Balin squeezed his shoulder. "It'll be alright laddie," he said quietly.

"I know," Fili replied, nodding slightly. He knew everything would be fine, Kili would bounce right back, and everything would be as it was before. But will it? He almost died. How am I supposed to just ignore that? Mum and uncle say that I need to just go on with my life but I can't, not when my baby brother needs me so much. . .

They arrived at Erebor General Hospital in record time, and were up on the third floor five minutes later. A nurse pointed them to a room in the middle of the hall. Kili's bed was, again, by the window but this time there was only one other bed in the room, and it was unoccupied.

Dis and Thorin went in first, Fili and Balin following. Fili couldn't see Kili at first, but he could see his mother's face as she leaned over him and hugged him, his head cradled against her chest. She was whispering to him, and Fili couldn't hear what she said from the doorway. Then Dis let him go and sat down on the bed and Fili saw his face. Kili's eyes were red, as if he had been crying, and his face was pale and gaunt looking. He looked exhausted, despite the fact that he had been unconscious for three days.

He couldn't bring himself to fully enter the room. He watched as Thorin hugged Kili, an uncharacteristic show of affection, and then Balin hugged him. Then he saw Kili notice him, and a pained look came over his face. Dis turned, "Come on, Fili." He wanted to. He wanted to go smother his brother with affection, and smack him upside the head for his stupidity, and then take Kili back to Rivendell with him so that he could live with Fili and everything would be okay because they would be together and happy.

But he took a step back, and walked down the hall.

He didn't make it further than around the corner before he found a chair, sank down on it and started to sob as the weight of the past few days crashed over him. He bunched up the front of his sweatshirt and held it over his mouth to try to stifle the sound a bit, but if he were honest with himself he didn't really care.

Suddenly a woman's voice broke through his muddy thoughts. "Are you alright?" she asked. Fili opened his eyes, his sweatshirt still covering his mouth, and shook his head as his breath came harshly through his nose. She was probably one of the most beautiful women that Fili had ever seen. She had long blonde hair, and blue eyes. "Are you hurt?" she asked, and looked mildly relieved when he shook his head again. There was a chair next to his and put her arm around his shoulders. He tried to stop crying, but every time he thought it was over he just started again. The woman – doctor, it looked by her coat and nametag – stayed by him, her arm around his shoulders until he finally stopped, ten minutes later.

"What's your name?" she asked, softly, as he pulled his sweatshirt away from his mouth and took a few shaky breaths.

"Fili," he whispered, not sure he could manage much more at that moment.

"Hello Fili, I'm Galadriel."

"I'm sorry, I don't normally lose my cool like that in public."

"No need to apologize, this is a hospital – people come here to fix their problems. So what can I help you fix?"

"Can you go back in time three days and stop my brother from overdosing?" he asked, unable to quite believe that this was real. It felt like a dream, but he attributed that to the after effects of his emotional outpouring, and the lack of sleep for a few days.

"Kili," she said, and Fili looked up at her in mild surprise.

"I thought Dr. Beorn was his doctor?"

"He is, but when a young man comes in, revived from an overdose and goes into a coma they sometimes need more than one person to help out, just in case."

"Yeah, I guess I knew that. I just graduated pre-med from Mirkwood University." He sighed, and felt stupid. He wasn't thinking at all – hadn't for four days now. He should have known exactly what to do when he found Kili, but instead he had frozen. I need to calm the fuck down, he thought, wiping his face once more. He took a deep breath.

"That's wonderful! Where are you going to go to medical school?"

"Well, I was going to go to Rivendell, I work there – interning for Dr. Éowyn and the Rivendell Sports Club – and specialize in sports medicine, but now I'm not so sure."

"Because of your brother?"

"He needs me," Fili said, and he could hear the edge that had come into his voice.

"Well, my advice would be to go talk to him, find out what you want, and what he wants, and try to reconcile them."

Fili sighed, and managed a smile. "Thank you."

"Are you alright now?" Galadriel said, lightly rubbing Fili's back. He nodded. "Alright, let's get you back to your family." They stood, and walked back down the hall to Kili's room. Galadriel walked in first, her hand on Fili's back.

"Hello. I'm Dr. Galadriel, I found this guy around the corner. He just needed a few minutes."

"Thank you doctor," Dis said, a weary smile on her face. It looked like the few nights without a full night's sleep was finally catching up to her as well.

"Thanks again," Fili said quietly to Galadriel, and she smiled and bade them good day and left. Fili took a deep breath and steeled himself. "Could I talk to Kili alone, please?" He looked up and noted a brief look of surprise on his mother's face, but Balin and Thorin looked understanding.

"Why don't we go get something to eat in the food court," Balin said. They stood, and left the room. As he passed by Thorin stopped for a moment, and gave Fili a meaningful look, his hand on his shoulder.

Once everyone was gone Fili looked at his brother. Kili was looking down at his hands as they fiddled with the edge of the blanket that covered him. He was in a hospital gown, and his hair was a mess. He walked over to the chair next to his bed and sat down, he took his rubber band off his wrist and handed it to Kili. He took it with a sheepish look of gratitude and pulled his hair back into a messy bun-like thing at the back of his head.

Fili took Kili's hand as he went back to fiddle with the blanket and rested his forehead against Kili's knuckles. He felt emotionally drained, and completely unprepared for the conversation he knew he was going to have to have with his brother.

"I'm sorry," he said finally. He didn't look up and didn't see the look of surprise and consternation on Kili's face. "I'm sorry I abandoned you. I should have known that you weren't ready to go off alone, I should have stayed in Erebor, or better yet gotten a job in Mirkwood so that I could be close by while you were at school. I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't talk to me – like you were alone."

Kili pulled his hand back, and Fili looked up. Kili's face was sad. "No, I'm sorry. I was an idiot, and I wasn't thinking. I should have told mum I wanted to come home at Christmas, and that I couldn't handle it instead of staying and letting everything get. . . worse."

Fili felt the fire build up again, and he brought his hand down hard on the side of the bed. Kili jumped. "You're damn right you should have. Heroin, Kili? Really? That's literally one of the worst ones. Why couldn't you just smoke pot if you had to do drugs! I thought you were dead when I saw you. On your bed, with a needle resting on your stomach, barely breathing. You nearly gave me a heart attack." Fili's voice broke and he lowered his head down to the bed. He took several calming breaths and Fili felt Kili's hand come up and rest on the back of his head. "I thought I was going to lose you. . ."

"I'm still here." Kili sniffed and tried to hide the fact that he had started crying.

"I can't lose you, you're my baby brother." Fili stood, sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled Kili into a hug. They sat there, gently swaying back and forth for a while. Finally Fili pulled back, his hands still on Kili's shoulders. "Uncle Thorin wants you to go to rehab. I do too, and I'm sure mum does as well."

"I don't need to go to rehab, I'm fine."

"Says the boy who just overdosed. Why don't you understand how serious this is? Just because you overdosed and they pumped you full of narcotic antagonist doesn't mean you're not still addicted." Kili didn't answer, he was looking out the window, avoiding Fili's gaze. His face had an edge of petulance. "When did you start?"

Kili didn't answer at first, but after a few moments he sighed. "About a month after school started. It was hard to consentrate on all the work I had, and my regular meds weren't helping. I mentioned it to a "friend" and they said that they had this stuff that really slowed them down, and like an idiot I tried it."

"They say all it takes it one time to get hooked," Fili said quietly.

"They would be correct," Kili grumbled. "I hate it, because my brain knows that it's bad, and that I don't need it, but my body is constantly screaming for it." He looked at Fili, a wary look in his eyes, as if he wasn't sure how much he could say.

"You can talk to me," Fili prompted softly. "Scoot over." Kili moved over a little and Fili turned around and leaned back against the pillows so that he was shoulder-to-bony-shoulder with his brother.

"It's like nothing I've ever experienced before. . ." Kili started quietly. "The only thing that even almost comes close is sex-"

"Wait, you've had sex? When?" Fili laughed, and Kili joined in after a moment.

"I thought I told you. . . I went to a party a few weeks after school started and met. . . well the girl who introduced me to my dealer, I guess. . . But she was great, didn't use or anything. I mean, she smokes, but who doesn't."

"At MU? No one. Everyone's always high or always drunk."

"Exactly!"

"So did you see her again after the party?"

"Yeah, we went on a few dates, hooked up a few more times. . . but then I kind of dropped off the radar."

"I wish you had called me."

"I'm sorry. . ." Kili hesitated, but then leaned to rest his head on Fili's shoulder like he did when they were much younger. "I'm so tired."

"You were in a coma for three days, and surprisingly enough that's enough to tire anyone out. I'm actually extremely surprised that you've even been awake this long."

Fili waited for Kili to respond, but when he turned his head to look, Kili was already asleep.

-

They visited again the next day, bringing along a few more family members. They stayed and talked for a little while until Kili snapped at Ori, and Fili realized that he was being sucked down into withdrawal again. He pushed the button to call the nurse, and she saw the irate look on Kili's face and the pleading look on Fili's and thankfully shooed everyone out. They decided to go to lunch at the restaurant a few blocks from the hospital.

"Are you coming, Fili?" Dori asked as they started out of Kili's room.

"No, I think I'm going to stay and talk to my brother a little more. I may meet you guys in a little while." He knew that they would be there for at least two hours – they never took less than that for a meal. Once everyone was gone he settled down at the end of Kili's bed.

Kili had had a little trouble regaining his motor skills after waking from his coma, and was still very weak. He struggled to bring his knees up to his chest, and when he could barely lift his leg Fili reached over to help.

"I don't need any help!" Kili snapped again.

"Clearly you do," Fili said, helping Kili pull his leg up. Once both of his knees were up he pushed himself forward, with some difficulty, and wrapped his arms around his legs. He rested his forehead on his kneecaps. Fili could see that he was sweating, and his hand was shaking lightly. He wanted to ask if Kili was okay, but he knew he wasn't. He was probably in pain and feeling miserable, and he didn't want to give his brother a reason to snap at him again.

"Oh god, I feel like I'm going to be sick," Kili said suddenly, dropping his arms and letting one of his legs fall to the side. Fili lunged off the bed and grabbed the small bucket that a nurse had left there – probably for this specific purpose – and shoved in front of his brother's face just in time for him to retch the little bit of food he'd managed to eat earlier. He dry heaved a few more times after that, before finally groaning and leaning back. He fell back a little too quickly, and hit his head on the wall behind him. "Fucking dammit!" he said, none too quietly. A nurse must have heard him, and she came in a few moments later to check on Kili.

"What seems to be the problem?" she said, eyeing the bucket Fili had just put down.

"Headache, stomachache, and I can't stop shaking," Kili said through clenched teeth.

"Yeah, that seems about par for the course with withdrawal. I can give you ibuprofen and Pepto Bismol, but you know I can't give you anything stronger than that." Kili glared at her and Fili didn't know if it was because she was denying him drugs, or because this particular nurse seemed to have a real problem with the fact that he was in for a drug overdose.

Fili had talked to Dr. Beorn with Dis and Thorin earlier that day and they had all agreed that it was best to keep Kili at the hospital until the worst of his withdrawal was over – which meant at least another three or so days. Plus, on top of all that, he would probably still be feeling weak for another few days because of his coma. Fili really didn't envy his younger brother at the moment, but part of him hoped that Kili was learning his lesson – however hard of a lesson it is to learn.

"Those would be great," Fili said. The nurse raised an eyebrow at him and left. "Don't worry about her."

"She looks at me like I'm some kind of. . ."

"Some kind of what?" Fili prompted. Kili was looking out the window. He had his arms crossed tightly over his chest to try to stop some of the shaking. Fili thought he knew exactly what Kili was going to say. "Some kind of drug addict?" Kili's gaze snapped to his brother's and he glared weakly. "Kili-" Fili started, but was interrupted by the nurse's return. She held two small medicine cups, and held them out to Kili.

"Here, you can wash the pills down with the Pepto, and then you already have water." Kili took them and downed them both, making a face at the taste. Fili handed him the glass of water and he downed it in one long gulp.

"Careful you don't make yourself sick again," Fili murmured as Kili handed the nurse the cups. She left, and Kili leaned back, closing his eyes. "Kili," Fili started again, but stopped when Kili's hand reached over and grabbed his forearm as it rested on the bed.

"Please can we not talk about that now?"

Fili didn't like it, but he nodded. They stayed silent, Kili's hand still on his arm, until Kili fell asleep. Fili carefully removed it and stood. He walked out of the room, and stopped in the hallway. He wasn't sure where to start looking for either of Kili's doctors, so he turned left and started walking. He was fortunate in that he ran into Dr. Galadriel after he turned the corner. She always seems to be just around the corner. . . he thought as she spotted him and smiled.

"Hello Fili, how are you today?"

"I'm doing much better," he said, unable to help the smile that spread across his face in her presence. But it fell when he remembered why he had sought her out. "But Kili isn't."

"He must be really starting to feel the withdrawal now."

"He is, and though he doesn't know or it act like it he needs someone to be there with him. He tried this by himself when he came home – he told me he thought he'd be able to make it a week until he went back to school – but I guess we all know how that worked out." Galadriel nodded, her face solemn. "Would it be alright if I stayed tonight to be with him?"

"Of course, Fili. Family is allowed to stay the night. We'll set up a cot next to Kili's bed." She smiled warmly at Fili, and patted his shoulder before turning to leave.

"Thank you," Fili said, and he went back to Kili's room. Just before he re-entered the room he realized that his family was still at lunch. He pulled out his phone and went to lean against the wall next to the door to Kili's room. He called his mother, but it was Thorin who answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey uncle, where's mum?"

"She went to the restroom. What can I do for you?"

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to stay the night here with Kili. He's not feeling so well."

"Understandably, the boy got himself addicted to heroin."

"Yes, so I want to stay tonight. Symptoms usually peak at a day to two days after the last dose, and it's been about a day that he's been conscious without it, so he probably won't have a good night and I don't want him to be alone."

"Alright, if you're sure. Oh here's your mother, one second." There was the sound of shuffling and suddenly his mother's voice was in his ear.

"Hello Fili," Dis said. "Are you going to come join us?"

"Yeah, I'll come for lunch but I decided that I'm going to stay here with Kili tonight."

"Okay sweetheart. We're at the pub a block away from the hospital."

"You took the baby to a pub?"

"Well he won't remember it!"

Fili laughed, "Alright mum, I'll see you soon. Kili's asleep now anyways."

-

That night Fili sat next to Kili on the bed once again, clicking through the channels on the small TV mounted on the wall in the corner of the room. Kili was curled into a ball, wrapped in an extra blanket, with his head on Fili's lap. He was shaking, and sweating, and it pained Fili to see his baby brother hurting so much. One hand absently stroked Kili's hair, occasionally running his fingers through his thick – painstakingly untangled - hair.

Kili let out a soft moan, and Fili stopped his movements. "Are you alright?" he asked. On the whole, a stupid question, he thought, given the situation.

"It hurts," Kili said, his voice strained.

"What does?"

"Everything. . ." He curled tighter in on himself.

"It'll pass," Fili said softly, and he continued stroking Kili's hair. He thought Kili fell asleep soon after that.

There was nothing on TV so Fili picked up the book Dis had dropped off along with a set of pajamas and clothes for the next day and a container full of cookies. Kili had nibbled on one for about an hour before giving it to Fili – who had eaten three already. Fili read for a while before falling asleep himself; Kili was still curled up against him with his head on his lap.

He woke up suddenly when he heard a groan. He sat up and looked around to see Kili sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. He could see his spine through the open back of the hospital gown and he frowned. "Kili?"

"I need it," Kili groaned. "I can't do this." He started shaking his head and his hands started gripping his hair at the scalp. Fili was afraid he would rip his hair out. He got off the bed and walked around to Kili's side. He squatted down in front of his brother and looked up into his face screwed up with shame and pain.

"Kili listen to me." He moved down to his knees, and reached up to take Kili's hands and try to pry them from his hair. Kili let go and put them down on the bed next to his knees. Fili reached up and took Kili's face in his hands. "You can do this. I know you can. You just have to make it through the next few days, and then the pain will be over."

Kili shook his head again, moaning, "no," but Fili plowed on.

"You can do this, but you need help. Help that I can't give – that mum or anyone else in our family can't give." Kili lowered his face until his forehead was against Fili's. His eyes were closed but tears rolled down his cheeks. "I need you to get help," he whispered. Kili's relative calm broke and he started sobbing. Fili stood and pulled Kili in to his chest, wrapping his arms around his baby brother. He stood there for a while letting Kili sob into his chest, gently swaying back and forth like he did when Kili was young and needed to be comforted.

Eventually he calmed down, and dropped his arms from around Fili's waist. Fili gently pushed him so he was laying down and picked his legs up and put them down on the bed. He put the blanket over Kili, and lay down on the cot next to the bed.

He was almost asleep, listening to Kili's soft breathing, when he heard Kili say, "okay, I'll go."


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4 of 4; epilogue

-

And so I run to the things they said could restore me  
Restore life the way it should be  
I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down

-

Fili slumped into one of the chairs at Balin's massive dining room table, a glass of beer in his hand. Most of the rest of his family sat around him, eating lunch and talking loudly.

He, Thorin, and Dis had woken up early that morning, Fili grabbed Kili's duffel – that he had repacked the night before – and had gone into Erebor to pick Kili up. In total Kili spent a week in the hospital, but was still fairly weak from his whole ordeal when he left. More than anything though, Kili just looked worn down – physically and emotionally. Now that he had beaten the worst of his initial withdrawal he simply had to learn to live his life without heroin again.

From there they made the two and a half hour drive to Dale and to the rehabilitation clinic there that Galadriel had recommended. Fili had stood back while Dis hugged Kili, tears glistening in her eyes as she wished him a quick recovery. Thorin went next, clapping him on the shoulder before pulling him in for a tight embrace, not saying anything. After he pulled back he gave Kili a nod, and stepped back. Fili stepped up and took a deep breath, looking into his brother's eyes. Kili swallowed, and Fili saw how young he looked – only nineteen, and already burdened with so much.

"Good luck, Kee," he said, pulling Kili into a hug. Kili returned it, holding Fili just as tightly. He sniffed into Fili's shoulder, hearing his childhood nickname taking him back to a simpler time; a time before addiction. Fili clapped him on the shoulder, and pulled back so that he was at arms length. He squeezed Kili's shoulders and smiled encouragingly. "You're strong, I know you can do it."

"Thanks Fee," Kili mumbled, trying to smile back and only half succeeding.

"Come on, Fili, time to go," Thorin said. Fili gave Kili another reassuring smile and squeezed his shoulder before letting go. Kili adjusted his duffel bag strap on his shoulder, nervous, before giving them one last smile before he turned around to follow the nurse through the door out of the lobby.

"So, how's the lad?" Bofur asked from his left. Fili took a long draught of his beer and sighed.

"He's scared, but I think he's going to make it."

"Did the boy tell you why he even started using that shit?" Gloin asked, his voice gruff. Fili looked over to his cousin, Gloin's brow was furrowed and his jaw set. Fili looked down, conflicted; he didn't want to tell them, it wasn't his story to tell.

"No," he lied. "He just told me that once he tried it he couldn't stop." Something in Fili's voice must have told them that he didn't want to talk about it any more.

"We're just glad that he's getting help," Dori said, picking up on Fili's discomfort.

"How long is he going to be there?" Dwalin asked, addressing Dis and Thorin. Fili was glad as the attention was taken off of him. Thorin said that he would probably be there for a few months, but that he would be there as long as he needed.

"Don't worry, laddie, he'll be alright," Balin said from his other side, patting his arm with a warm smile.

"I know. Kili always was a lot stronger than he let on."

-

Three months later

Kili was nervous. He looked down at his hands to see that he was crushing the piece of paper he held. He quickly smoothed it out over his leg. He vaguely noted that his thighs had a lot more flesh on them now and wondered just how much weight he'd gained after he kicked his heroin habit. It probably wasn't much, but when he got home no one had told him he needed to go stuff his face this time.

He looked up and to his left at the other guys who sat next to him. They all held the same paper Kili held, and another pang of nerves went through Kili's core as he realized that he was one of the smallest guys – both in height and build.

Rehab had been very good for Kili in more than one respect, and while he had to take the rest of the school year off (and if he were honest with himself he knew he was not going to go back) he was better for it. He simply needed to be with his family, and people who know him and care for him. The clinic in Dale was very nice, but the two months that he had been there weren't so nice – at least not at first. Fili had stayed with him for another two days in the hospital while he finished recovering from both his coma and the worst of his withdrawal. Then, after he had been discharged, and after going back to Balin's to get his things Thorin had driven him, Fili, and Dis to Dale to drop Kili off. It had been almost as hard for Dis to let him go as it was for Kili to decide to go – Fili had told him how Dis and Thorin had argued. Dis had wanted him to come home, so that she could take care of her youngest child, but Thorin had convinced her that he needed help she couldn't give. And it was true – the first few weeks he had been at the clinic Kili had been nearly unbearable to be around. He hadn't even been allowed his ADHD medication, which led to constant pacing and fidgeting.

After he had gotten out he had gone home, but only for about a week before he called Fili and asked if he could come stay with him because Dis was smothering him – he understood why, but still. He had moved to Rivendell and into Fili's apartment. He found a job as a busboy at a restaurant a few blocks away from the sports club, which made it easy for Fili to drop him off on his way to work and pick him up on his way home. It worked, and Kili was so happy to be around his big brother again. He hadn't realized until then just how much he missed Fili. He was more than Kili's brother, he was his best friend and neither had really realized it until they almost lost each other.

The other benefit was that rehab had helped Kili, other than helping him kick heroin, was that it had helped him find new ways to deal with all of his energy. Since he wasn't allowed his medication in the clinic he had been encouraged to take up sports and running, and so he had thrown himself into it. And to his surprise he found that he really liked running – it cleared his head in a way that he hadn't even known he could and allowed him to just not think for a while. So instead of using drugs to suppress his ADHD, he had started playing soccer, and he found that he was actually pretty good at it. When he had told Fili, his brother had insisted that they start playing together, so on Fili's days off and the weekends they went to the park a few blocks from their apartment and played one-on-one.

So, earlier that week, Fili had come home from work and given him a flyer that said that the team was holding open tryouts for new players. Kili had been initially hesitant – he had energy, but he was still working on building his stamina back up, and while he was good at soccer he was hardly good enough for the club. But he had finally agreed to try out, however, after Fili had told him how. . . not so good a few of the players had been in the beginning, but they got better over time. Plus, he had thought, the worst they can do is say sorry but no.

Kili looked up and saw a man about his age, who introduced himself as Pippin, come through and collect their papers with their information on it, and asked them with a cheery smile to follow him. Kili stood with the others and followed Pippin to the field, where the rest of the team was waiting. In front stood who Kili presumed to be the captains, Aragorn and Legolas.

"Hello and welcome to all fifteen of you," Aragorn started. "We're so glad that you all are showing interest in joining the team."

"However, we only have room at the moment for three new players," Legolas took over. "So the three best of you will find yourselves a spot on this team for as long as you wish to play."

"May the best three win!" another man quipped from next to the captains. Kili guessed it was Boromir, who Fili had said was a little jealous of his co-captains. "Let's get started."

Fili watched the tryouts with Éowyn from the bleachers. He couldn't keep the smile off his face as he watched Kili wipe the floor with the other prospective players.

"What's gotten you in such a good mood?" Éowyn asked, sporting a smile of her own. Both her husband Faramir and her brother Éomer were on the team, their goalie and one of their forwards respectively. Faramir was blocking the newbies' attempts to score on him, and so far only two had scored – a man Fili didn't know, and Kili.

"My brother's trying out," he said, looking over at her. "That tiny dark haired one who just scored on Faramir again." Éowyn laughed.

"Oh, that one's a firecracker! How come he hasn't tried out before?"

"Well he was in school until a few months ago, and then he moved down here with me last month."

"Why? If you don't mind my asking," she added hastily.

"No, it's alright." Fili trusted her, and she was his friend. "He had some problems with drugs - he got out of rehab a month ago, and came to live with me. He's doing amazing, and sports have been amazing for his ADHD; I have absolutely no clue why he didn't start earlier. I mean, he does archery, but that's hardly a strenuous sport." They both laughed.

"No, it's not," she agreed. "You must be really proud of him."

"I really am." Fili looked back down just in time to see Kili score again.

-

That night Fili and Kili sat side by side in a loud and dim restaurant. The team had decided to go out to eat after tryouts, and to welcome and get to know their three new members. They had practically begged Kili to join – and all expressed their excitement for the upcoming season with him on the team.

Fili took a gulp from his beer and smiled as he listened to his brother joke and laugh with his new teammates. He really seemed like he was doing better, and Fili couldn't be more proud of his baby brother. Kili looked over to him and held up his soda in a toast, a genuine smile on his face. Fili raised his own drink, and settled into the feeling that everything was finally all right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! Comments are much appreciated.


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